International Ride A Biker Day

I’ve been in Kalbarri for four days for no particular reason.

Chinaman Point in Kalbarri

Chinaman Point in Kalbarri, WA

I drink wine on the beach and wink at the beautiful people. The sun hasn’t risen in the same place twice, though each morning it spreads light on the only path out of town.  Something keeps me from it, unable to shake the sand from between my toes.

In travels past the culprit would have been sickness or exhaustion. Now I think I just need to get laid.

Knocking boots with the anybody of my dreams is hardly an ignoble endeavor. But the problem is this, and it’s the one inviolable truth I’ve discovered on my journey: Bikers just ain’t sexy.

Skin-tight romance

Skin-tight romance

In theory it shouldn’t be this way. Cyclists are in incredible shape and generally have a big smile on their face. Some of us are even nice people.

The trouble is that we wear Lycra and helmets. Spandex alone is okay. Wonder Woman wore tights and she was a part of the Super Friends and Justice League of America. No doubt she had her office flings.

On their own, helmets are fine also. George Patton wore a lid.  So too did Joan of Arc, Neil Armstrong and Evel Knievel. These folks inspired awe in the masses while keeping their brains from spilling out their ears.  They had no need of opening lines.

But can you picture Superman with his tongue squeezed between his lips as he tries to buckle his bike helmet? How about Darth Vader fidgeting with the padded bum in his elastic shorts?

Me neither.

Of course, the fact that I sport a scraggly beard and carry most of Australia beneath my fingernails doesn’t help my cause.

No shower, no sexy

No shower, no sexy

Nor does my wardrobe. My Sunday best is a red hoodie and my right shoe keeps falling off my foot. If it were a dog I’d have to shoot it.

But I shall overcome these obstacles. I’ll meet the right person – we’ll touch as we reach for the last package of expired biscuits in the discount bin. Our eyes will lock and lustily they’ll ask if I know where to steal wireless Internet.

We’ll walk hand in hand to that special place, filling our bottles in public fountains as we go.

It will be magic.


9 responses to “International Ride A Biker Day

  1. for that laughter I will send on the wind prayers you are successful in your endeavor!
    What a great post full of realness…I enjoyed it very much
    Take Care…Be Safe and Good Luck!

  2. I disagree, you were really sexy with your big smile, and this challenge will make you an interesting person. Don’t be jealous of superman or superwoman, I am sure you can be the hero of someone.

    PS: Jeanne d’Arc and not Joan…

    the woman in red

  3. Hahahahaha! Thanks for this funny post and good luck in your quest of the perfec… good looki… well, willing woman!
    And above all, enjoy your time in Kalbarri. I have a great souvenir of this place, and of Western Australia as a whole. Have you been to Exmouth and the Ningaloo Reef on the way? (it seems like I didn’t follow your journey very well) I hope you could leave your bike for some hours to enjoy the underwater wonders.

      • Sadly I’ve never been one to “explore” water. Generally I just splash until someone comes to rescue me.

        But you must tell me, what was your souvenir???

  4. Oops sorry “souvenir” must be a frenchism (I’m… French), I just meant I had good memories of Kalbarri, a nice feeling when I think about it. Beautiful coast.

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